Testimony (2007)

Let me just be blunt, I am not perfect! Wow what a shocker hey! Its funny how we get the picture that everyone who is a Christian is suppose to be sinless in their walk with Christ, well that isn’t true. The truth is, we are blameless in regards to our position with God through what Christ has done. I just want to let ya'll know why I believe it’s all the Grace of God and none of you and me.

I went to church and found out about Christ and was swept off my feet, quit everything just cold turkey everything in a matter of days. I was at church every time the doors were open, read my bible, prayed, sang the songs, witnessed, ya know, and did everything to keep up with the Jones’s (figuratively speaking). Those are the typical things a believer does. Now hear me out, I totally believe in those things, in fact I still do them :) but here’s the problem, I had believed they were a means to get somewhere with Him, to become His prayer warrior, great man of faith, bible quoting, tongue talking, devil chasing believer! But it got to a point where I missed the point... their NOT a means to get somewhere with God or to gain favour with Him. People have made these into a bunch laws itself. Like I said I still believe in these, the bible teaches them clearly. But you see, I got the impression this is how it "works". I had the chariot before the horse, to a point where it got legalistic. Due to this mindset, I was constantly under fear and anxiety, I was always going about making sure that all my i's were dotted and t's were crossed, then when I felt like I had done enough things for God, my conscience would be at peace. Let me just say this ok, all this nearly made me lose my mind and gone crazy. It no more felt like a relationship with Him, the gospel no more seemed like the good news! Gospel means "Good news" by the way. Felt like more of a word, job even, and my position was on the line. We have this messed up idea that we have to sustain our relationship with God.

Now, before I came to Christ, I was heavily into the nightlife at the clubs, which involved alcohol and drugs. I am sure you can imagine what goes on there. My father and mother have been Christians since we were born, I knew everything that I was doing was wrong, growing up with a Christian background and all.. I knew about church since I could remember. As I was growing up, no one had to tell me what I was doing was wrong, I knew it! If you knew the bible enough (Old Testament), you knew what the Man up stairs wanted of you. "Be holy as I am holy", I knew the Ten Commandments, I knew not to steal, and not lie, etc. the big ten right. But I had this idea as I was growing up; if I were good enough I would probably make it to heaven, just by a hair! I had a few of the Ten Commandments on lock down. I believed I was a “good person".

Right now in my life, I just had a baby with a woman who I am not married with, and living together. I still struggle with alcohol from time to time. I ask myself, “How did I get here? I have been going to church for more then 5 years now, what gives?? I knew what not to do…” I learned over the years that, just trying not to sin can only go so far; will power is bound to fail. I thought I had it all packed down. I was doing everything right. But honestly, I was struggling hard, I had desires to do this or do that like with my previous lifestyle before I came to Christ. I felt so condemned about what I wanted. Felt like God was frowning down on me, but I sincerely wanted to please God. I just had no motivation to do it, I didn't know how too. So I try my best at everything. I determined to DO church as best as I could. Only to feel like more of a hypocrite and a failure, felt like I didn't do this enough or that enough, Felt like I didn't press in enough! As we call it at church. All this was just my effort to please God. So I was struggling... I started to give up on myself, believing also that God has given up on me. Keep in mind I didn't know what the bible said at this time in my life. I always had this heavy weight pressing me down in my thought life, very heavy. I just couldn't shake it.

Let me just get to the point. I had the belief that I had lost my salvation! What is someone’s salvation? Salvation is the gift of forgiveness and eternal life you get when you accept Christ and his sacrifice on the cross for sin. Why did I believe I had lost my salvation? Why did I believe I was no longer forgiven? Because I was failing in this and in that, and I really thought that my doing was greater then what He did on the cross, felt like my sin has done away my salvation. I thought people could lose it just like that. Like it was my responsibility to keep myself saved! When I didn't get myself saved in the first place, it was Christ who saved me through the work on the Cross-! Anyways... I thought I was done. For real, after I have entertained that thought long enough, I really came to believe it. It took effect in my daily walk. I couldn't manage my thoughts; my emotions were constantly under fire of guilt and condemnation, which brought stress, anxiety and depression. I had no enthusiasm for life, or even the life of Christ in me. My only defense was: try more, which only led to more frustration. I gave up… I slowly started slipping back into my old habits, drinking and what have you. Ok I will say it, sinning!!! There I said it ok. I know you guys don’t sin ok, only a few of us. Let me share this with you.


Galatians 5:4 plainly says Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.

I wasn’t having trouble with the Ten Commandments, k maybe a few of them. But they were never a means to live by in terms of gaining acceptence with Christ. It was only to make sin abound (rom 5:20) I want to say this, the church has made many things in church a burden, a law. You must pray, serve, submit, etc. But the more I was trying to justify myself with these works; I was actually digging myself deeper into the whole. And also, Christ was becoming of no effect unto me! I fell from Grace. No wonder I was struggling! Don’t get me wrong here; we should be doing things, but I believe we need to ask the question of why we are doing them. You could be doing everything right for the wrong reasons. There’s an old saying I use to hear in church, You can have two people in the same church, singing the same worship song, praising God at the same time. The only difference is their motives! One has a law mentality, which believes: you must do in order to get. Whereas the other one has a Grace mentality, which believes; you get, because the order has been fulfilled by Christ! One believes something needs to be done. The other believes it has been done and can rest in His Grace. Titus 2:11-14 summarizes the whole Gospel. The Law loves to arouse the flesh. And I really believe our flesh likes it, it wants to have some part to glory in. We will be singing like in the book of revelation “worthy is the lamb, ...and me” No, the Grace of God leaves no room for man to boast. By the grace of God we are what we are.

These days, we have more faith in the flesh of man then in the Grace of God working in our lives!
You know how you can fall from Gods Grace? When you try to merit what is un-meritable, when you try to earn what is un-earnable, when you try to deserve what is un-deserve able! That is how you fall from Gods Grace. It’s nothing like how us humans see it. We say, keep on my good terms then I will be good to you, is a Legalists view point. What we are saying is, “I will show you how good I am, then I will deserve your goodness.” How can a God who is full of goodness and love fill someone who is full of himself?? Can you fill a cup that is already full? That is the Pharisees attitude towards Jesus in his day. Now having said all of that, have I gotten all my stuff together? No. But I am where I am. Trusting and relaying on this rediscovered truth in the bible: Grace – which is His un-earned, un-merited favor. So am starting from there this time.